February 10, 2011

• Some Thursday Thoughts

  It began with dog poop.

  Self awareness doesn't come upon us out of nowhere.  As startling and as illuminating as lightning is, it comes about only when the circumstances are ripe.  You look around and you can feel it in the atmosphere, something is charged up, clouds fill the air, and then crack! A flash!

  For me, moments of self awareness overtake me as I go about my life and catch me off guard.  But if I look around I can often identify the conditions and circumstances that might have set things in motion.

  Recently, some deep thoughts have been floating around in my head and heart and it's been a struggle to get them tied down into words.  But I know when it started, one week ago with a dog and her poop.

  When I quit my job, I quit after being dissatisfied for many years but also because I came to realize that if you evaluate my life my god hasn't been the Lord that I profess but the one of personal security and comfort.  I wrestled with and decided to take a risk, quit, and trust God.  It's been absolutely lovely in this post job, pre freak out phase. 

  But I've come to realize that maybe the true root of my all consuming desire for financial security was not fear of a poorly funded retirement account but a fear of  … needing? … powerlessness? … vulnerability? … lack of freedom?  I'm not even sure of the correct word to describe it… but it's something.

  Last week, I happily helped out a friend when she needed someone to keep an eye on her dog.  While I'm happy to help out, I'm not exactly a dog person. I know there are those that delight at the prospect of basking, even temporarily, in the love and affection of a pup.  I am not one of those people.  Dogs are great in theory, but in reality they have so many needs! Affection! Physical care! Shots! Grooming!  Etc.! Plus, they break one of my cardinal rules --> take care of your own poop. 

  The puppy and I of course came to an understanding, she got all up in my face and I put up with it with good nature.  And I couldn't help but marvel at how utterly happy she was that I, the temporary human, was around.  At least until she pooped on our walk, and I had to clean it up.  Seriously, dog owners, there must be a better way than plastic bag over the poop. ick. 

  But as I carried the poop, while muttering my opinion of the matter to the dog, my mindset shifted a bit.  By this simple act I was in a position that I think I unconsciously avoid whenever I can -- to need and be needed, these are the ties that bind us together in relationships and to God.  I thought I acknowledged, accepted, and acted out my need for God a long time ago, but maybe that's not true.

  I'm realizing more and more that my life has been geared towards an end goal of relying on myself in many different ways.  For instance, I managed my own finances after high school and paid my own way through college, entertaining myself by engaging in activities and outings by myself, emotionally never getting too dependent on anyone as my sole source of support. 

  It's weird reflecting on this because it's an absolutely ridiculous position to take, no? I've taken so much from God, friends, and family (as well as offering of myself without hesitation as well), but still I can't shake the feeling that I must protect my freedom, and that means flying solo whenever and wherever possible.

  Perhaps it's not surprising that I remain single. 

  In any case, maybe quitting wasn't about letting go of my idol of security.  Maybe quitting is going to help me let go of the idols of "freedom", of defending against needing and the disappointment when I or others fail, of the idol of power, of the idol of … Self? All I know is I want to be like that puppy, dependent on God and rejoicing in that dependency.  Knowing and accepting and … loving being dependent on God's mercy and grace?  Terrifyingly awesome.  

  • 2:21 pm
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