workity. workity. workity. 

work kind of surprised me with a spate of urgent matters that resulted in some longer hours than i really wanted (though, still within reason.  it's just, what? i can't take off in the middle of the day for an extended lunch and shopping trip? i'm confuzzled).  but, i've been turning some thoughts over in my mind and wanted to get some brain nuggets out before they slipped through my metaphorical fingers. 

• on friendship: i've been thinking a lot about how lucky i am to have the friends that i do.  i firmly believe every friendship has ebbs and flows, but the one underlining truth is that i firmly believe i get a lot more than i often put in.  it's pretty astonishing when i think about how much my friends showed me how to be generous, forgiving, patient, how to conduct myself in professional social situations (e.g. once at a networking event i dropped a plate of tabbouleh while chasing a cherry tomato around a cocktail plate with my fork.  my instinct was to guard the spilled food and announce it to immediate area so people wouldn't step in it while my friend grabbed my arm and said walk away as one of the speedy and silent waiters swooped in to clean it up. my heart may be with the proletariat). anyways, one thing i want to change is my tendency for passivity in these great friendships.  it's not that i'm not thinking of you or don't want to see your face, but i tend not to express that or even try to reach out for some face to face time ... i just assume people are busy.  but i need to get out of my head, i can't expect people around me to do all the heavy lifting.

• on work: one of the things that really made me happy about this new job was my distance from it in terms of my identity.  i loved being able to go in, do work, and while i hoped it was satisfactory i didn't see the job as the master of my fate and time outside of regular business hours.  recently, as i've gotten more steeped in the culture and work load and writing more, i find myself more nervous.  what do they think of me? does my work reflect how my writing has deteriorated? will opposing counsel think that i'm a pushover?   what will co-counsel think if i phrase it this way?  omg, how'd i miss this or that? etc. etc. etc.  this evening after working later than usual, i realized that i'm beginning to once again root my identity in this job.  and i've really only been here a couple months.  i want to work heartily, but with boundaries.  hopefully i can maintain some of the victories over my anxieties from my time unemployed.

• on love: there's this youtube clip a friend shared of a coach talking about love.  not like romantical type stuff but on love. like 1st Corinthians 13 love.  okay, bear with me, i know it's read at pretty much every wedding ever, but seriously it's some crazy stuff.  but the youtube clip was of the coach sharing his brief musings on the idea that love is not irritable.  now i saw this clip weeks (though it may have been days, i dunno internet time is fuzzy) ago,  but it's been on my mind for a while. it feels like i've been extra irritable/resentful lately, and finding myself regretting words or actions and really towards both people i love and perfectly nice acquaintances. i don't really have an answer or a resolution or a goal, but recognizing my failings in this area i've been thinking more about what my love for people and what love just looks like. 

• what love may actually look like:

• <3