I fell asleep during church today.

I went to the bathroom to avoid small talk.

I have 2 liters of diet coke which I will probably finish tonight.

I have been thinking about doing something crazy lately but I won't let myself: get a tattoo, get a motorcycle, go on a crazy shopping spree, quit my job again, or randomly hit on guys at bars with terrible one liners. I think it's got to do with a part of me knowing that I'm kind of locked in again.  I've admitted to myself that I'm at this place for the long haul (where long haul is maybe a year in the future?) rather than just in limbo which I was happy to be in.  As a result I think part of me wants to go wild and free to make up for the fact yes my day job is going to be my real job for the foreseeable future.

Eh. #firstworldproblems

The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.

Winston Churchill

(describing how i feel pretty much this briefing i've got to get through. i feel bad for judges).

surprisingly good

but the best part of the film

was supporting cast

(birbiglia! day!

gaffigan! and morales!

riggle! boxer rebellion!)

I've been filled with regrets lately and frustrations with the world but mostly with myself.  I've been regretting the decision to agree to a dinner with people which kind of inconvenienced me, random moments of awkwardness at work (lord, when will i learn to small talk appropriately?), my inability to discern between polite conversation and genuine interest, my decision to take french and not spanish in high school, not waking up with my alarm this morning, not working over the weekend when i should have, letting other people have their way and not speaking up clearly with what i want, my failure in the generosity department in both words or deeds. Regretting friendships I've let fade and the self doubt of my adolescence and young adulthood, my adherence to rules, not getting a motorcycle when i was insured, not taking the plunge and quitting earlier, not traveling more when I did quit, not doing a better job at my job, for complaining too much, not taking risks, and so many other things have been weighing me down.

I'm mostly frustrated with myself because I feel so dense and so slow at implementing.  I may recognize the problems, but I'm a grown woman and this ridiculous inner life is what I'm still dealing with. 

I've been vacillating lately as to whether I should give in to moments like these (i.e., self pity) or if it's better to scold myself for the self indulgence and move on (this may also be interpreted as denial).  I dunno.

I'll probably regret sharing this on here too! ugh, the cycle, it continues.