September 7, 2011

• regrets

  I've been filled with regrets lately and frustrations with the world but mostly with myself.  I've been regretting the decision to agree to a dinner with people which kind of inconvenienced me, random moments of awkwardness at work (lord, when will i learn to small talk appropriately?), my inability to discern between polite conversation and genuine interest, my decision to take french and not spanish in high school, not waking up with my alarm this morning, not working over the weekend when i should have, letting other people have their way and not speaking up clearly with what i want, my failure in the generosity department in both words or deeds. Regretting friendships I've let fade and the self doubt of my adolescence and young adulthood, my adherence to rules, not getting a motorcycle when i was insured, not taking the plunge and quitting earlier, not traveling more when I did quit, not doing a better job at my job, for complaining too much, not taking risks, and so many other things have been weighing me down.

  I'm mostly frustrated with myself because I feel so dense and so slow at implementing.  I may recognize the problems, but I'm a grown woman and this ridiculous inner life is what I'm still dealing with. 

  I've been vacillating lately as to whether I should give in to moments like these (i.e., self pity) or if it's better to scold myself for the self indulgence and move on (this may also be interpreted as denial).  I dunno.

  I'll probably regret sharing this on here too! ugh, the cycle, it continues. 

  • 2:21 am
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