ended up in an impromptu dance off.  sometimes i can't help myself.

is picture day at work.  i wish that we had laser backgrounds. 

i've been on this kick of reading and learning about our brains and how we think and decide and perceive. my nerdy, nerdy heart has been reveling in learning about how little we understand ourselves. 

one of the things that kind of blew my mind was the idea that perception actually alters our experience of objective reality. our perceptions make a difference, which i've also known about how i experience subjective things but i never thought it changed how i might experience with defined parameters. or how memory works-- the latest research tends to support the idea that  we actually recreate our memories each time we recall or retell a memory, and every time we recall/retell the memory it might change a touch.  which then kind of crosses paths with law and justice for instances such as eye witness testimony.  eye witness testimony is really unreliable but there's a part of the legal system, and ourselves, that just believes that what we saw with our own eyes is essentially more reliable than anything else.  but it's not, it's really not.  and all this to say, i was really excited when i ran across an article about how the supreme court is revisiting the issue of eye witness testimony.  law and science. fascinating.  very curious to see how this plays out.

I didn't grow up in a festive home.  Growing up in a very frugal home, we didn't have much extra left for fripperies like decorations which were going to be tossed or used only a few times a year.  We may have done a jack o'lantern, a fake christmas tree and lights, and maybe a poinsettia, but our holiday decorations were often limited in scope. Not a big deal, except the one year I wanted to have a store bought costume.  I dunno, I think I was in third grade and maybe cuz most of my friends were going as these licensed superhero costumes or other type of plastic and polyester disguise that I had my heart settled on it as well.  I don't know why I decided I'd be a witch, but I may have thought it'd be the most reasonably priced.  But I recall my mother not accepting the idea that we'd pay good money for something clearly cheaply made and intended for only one night's use.  It just didn't compute.  So, she compromised by allowing me to get some kind of hair coloring gel thing and letting me go as witch but with found accessories. The difficult part was that I didn't have a black dress.  So, my mom  ingeniously created a black dress for me that day by.... pulling out a black hefty bag and cutting holes for my head and my arms and tieing some sort of belt around me. 

And wearing a hefty bag, I went trick or treating, thinking I was dressed up as a witch. 

Reflecting on it now, I feel like I may have been tricked.  I do believe she sent me out as a baglady all the while I was thinking I was dressed as something else. In any case, nowadays, I've basically become my mother.  The thought of spending a great deal of money for an outfit that I'll use for this one night just seems crazy wasteful, though fun.  Then again I suppose the same could be said about a wedding dress. ah well.  I wonder if this the first time wedding dresses and halloween costumes have been compared.

Getting home in time to do this writing exercise in November is going to be tougher than i expected. 

On an unrelated note...

I've been mourning the end of the primacy of google in my life.  it's pretty clear they want to force the users of their products (gmail, picasa, google reader) to participate in google plus.  and their gutting of google reader so eloquently described by an ex google reader project manager, it makes me sad.  It also makes me realize that I am not the customer.  I am the product for google.   I miss the smart and interesting and fun blogs and articles people would share.  Please keep sharing them!

of my favorite poems from my youth is this great one:

Fleas

Adam had em.

i think it was seventh grade. and it was the first time i realized that poems weren't this pretentious flowery exercise of literature but instead could, in four words make a humorous and pithy commentary on humanity.

Game recognize game.

November is national novel writing month. 

It's this collective group effort to encourage people to try to write 50k word novel in one month -- or at least fail in a public blaze of glory.

I have started and failed many a time. 

But I think I also need a small project to work towards.

So!

November.

For me equals = 

National Not a Novel Writing Month.

New challenge!

Write a little something every day for a month.

But no whining.

Cuz, let's be honest.  I've been super whiny. I've basically been #firstworldproblems.

Gonna stop.

No day like today, right?

Further self reflection now that the shiny newness of the job has faded, and the real day to day:

4.  I am not able to work more than 8 hours in a day without feeling like there is no justice in the world and there is no hope left in the world.  I can't imagine doing all nighters again.  And I may be a wee bit overdramatic.

5.  My addiction to diet coke is ridiculous.  today I had three diet cokes.  and i want another one. right.now.please.

6.  I hate traffic but I may hate moving more.  Also I have commitment issues.

7.  I spend a LOT of money on mediocre lunches and dinners and it irks me. 

8.  I always think I'll start working out tomorrow but I forget to pack my gym gear. :T.

9.  My poor, poor, disaster of a car.  I can never volunteer to drive because it's ridiculously full of crap.

10.  I've been doing this for years and I'm pretty much unquestionably an adult now but I still feel like a kid at work. Sigh.

dealing with the post honeymoon with job sitch lately.  and i've come to some rather distressing realizations.

1. i don't really know how to be "me" in the work place (ugh, i feel like such a tool even writing this, but in a lot of ways it's true).  for one thing i don't go by gus. i go by one of my other names, and i find myself trying to be as innocuous and bland as possible while i'm at work. in some ways that's expected and we all do so to a certain extent, but it's so much easier to just hide and if i can't hide, instead of talking with people i talk at them with facts.  (or that may be just because i'm a nerd and that's how i communicate. socially expected conversation? let me tell you about all the interesting things i learned about how our brains make decisions and our frontal cortex vs the amygdala! whee!
2. i'm rather insufferable. i think my anxiety and awkwardness in small talky and social situations is rooted in selfishness. all i can talk about lately is how i'm quote/unquote suffering but honestly i've got a pretty good gig and yet i can't help but think in those small talk moments how much i want to just go hide in my office or not deal with engaging with people because i can't think of anything to say or i'll say the wrong thing or i'll end up looking like a fool.  but i have to remember to focus on the other person.  i dunno why professional small talk situations throw me for such a loop, but they do. it's hard to be whole in the workplace for me.
3. i am freaking slow.