I fell asleep during church today.

I went to the bathroom to avoid small talk.

I have 2 liters of diet coke which I will probably finish tonight.

I have been thinking about doing something crazy lately but I won't let myself: get a tattoo, get a motorcycle, go on a crazy shopping spree, quit my job again, or randomly hit on guys at bars with terrible one liners. I think it's got to do with a part of me knowing that I'm kind of locked in again.  I've admitted to myself that I'm at this place for the long haul (where long haul is maybe a year in the future?) rather than just in limbo which I was happy to be in.  As a result I think part of me wants to go wild and free to make up for the fact yes my day job is going to be my real job for the foreseeable future.

Eh. #firstworldproblems

The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.

Winston Churchill

(describing how i feel pretty much this briefing i've got to get through. i feel bad for judges).

surprisingly good

but the best part of the film

was supporting cast

(birbiglia! day!

gaffigan! and morales!

riggle! boxer rebellion!)

I've been filled with regrets lately and frustrations with the world but mostly with myself.  I've been regretting the decision to agree to a dinner with people which kind of inconvenienced me, random moments of awkwardness at work (lord, when will i learn to small talk appropriately?), my inability to discern between polite conversation and genuine interest, my decision to take french and not spanish in high school, not waking up with my alarm this morning, not working over the weekend when i should have, letting other people have their way and not speaking up clearly with what i want, my failure in the generosity department in both words or deeds. Regretting friendships I've let fade and the self doubt of my adolescence and young adulthood, my adherence to rules, not getting a motorcycle when i was insured, not taking the plunge and quitting earlier, not traveling more when I did quit, not doing a better job at my job, for complaining too much, not taking risks, and so many other things have been weighing me down.

I'm mostly frustrated with myself because I feel so dense and so slow at implementing.  I may recognize the problems, but I'm a grown woman and this ridiculous inner life is what I'm still dealing with. 

I've been vacillating lately as to whether I should give in to moments like these (i.e., self pity) or if it's better to scold myself for the self indulgence and move on (this may also be interpreted as denial).  I dunno.

I'll probably regret sharing this on here too! ugh, the cycle, it continues. 

workity. workity. workity. 

work kind of surprised me with a spate of urgent matters that resulted in some longer hours than i really wanted (though, still within reason.  it's just, what? i can't take off in the middle of the day for an extended lunch and shopping trip? i'm confuzzled).  but, i've been turning some thoughts over in my mind and wanted to get some brain nuggets out before they slipped through my metaphorical fingers. 

• on friendship: i've been thinking a lot about how lucky i am to have the friends that i do.  i firmly believe every friendship has ebbs and flows, but the one underlining truth is that i firmly believe i get a lot more than i often put in.  it's pretty astonishing when i think about how much my friends showed me how to be generous, forgiving, patient, how to conduct myself in professional social situations (e.g. once at a networking event i dropped a plate of tabbouleh while chasing a cherry tomato around a cocktail plate with my fork.  my instinct was to guard the spilled food and announce it to immediate area so people wouldn't step in it while my friend grabbed my arm and said walk away as one of the speedy and silent waiters swooped in to clean it up. my heart may be with the proletariat). anyways, one thing i want to change is my tendency for passivity in these great friendships.  it's not that i'm not thinking of you or don't want to see your face, but i tend not to express that or even try to reach out for some face to face time ... i just assume people are busy.  but i need to get out of my head, i can't expect people around me to do all the heavy lifting.

• on work: one of the things that really made me happy about this new job was my distance from it in terms of my identity.  i loved being able to go in, do work, and while i hoped it was satisfactory i didn't see the job as the master of my fate and time outside of regular business hours.  recently, as i've gotten more steeped in the culture and work load and writing more, i find myself more nervous.  what do they think of me? does my work reflect how my writing has deteriorated? will opposing counsel think that i'm a pushover?   what will co-counsel think if i phrase it this way?  omg, how'd i miss this or that? etc. etc. etc.  this evening after working later than usual, i realized that i'm beginning to once again root my identity in this job.  and i've really only been here a couple months.  i want to work heartily, but with boundaries.  hopefully i can maintain some of the victories over my anxieties from my time unemployed.

• on love: there's this youtube clip a friend shared of a coach talking about love.  not like romantical type stuff but on love. like 1st Corinthians 13 love.  okay, bear with me, i know it's read at pretty much every wedding ever, but seriously it's some crazy stuff.  but the youtube clip was of the coach sharing his brief musings on the idea that love is not irritable.  now i saw this clip weeks (though it may have been days, i dunno internet time is fuzzy) ago,  but it's been on my mind for a while. it feels like i've been extra irritable/resentful lately, and finding myself regretting words or actions and really towards both people i love and perfectly nice acquaintances. i don't really have an answer or a resolution or a goal, but recognizing my failings in this area i've been thinking more about what my love for people and what love just looks like. 

• what love may actually look like:

• <3

one too many caffeine hits tonight. 

oh, i'm going to regret this in the morning.  but, oh well, must soldier on. so! here are my recentlies!

recently, i've been reading brillat savarin's "physiology of taste" (or "transcendental gastronomy") and it is cracking me up. (he's the tell me what you eat, and i'll tell you who you are" guy that's quoted at the beginning of iron chef).  it makes me look at all the food blogs out there and think everyone should read this book.  it's so gosh darn quotable, witty, and wise.  and it also makes me weep at the state of my generation's writing.  there is something about prose of bygone eras that just reaches higher than the meditations of this attention deficient age.  (i'm reading the MFK Fisher translation which is good but i don't know what other versions are like. it does inspire some thought of brushing up my french but then i look at my unfinished harry potter in korean and sigh and stick to outsourcing the translation job).  i mean come on, how can you not love a guy who says "my dear friend, I am old, I am attacked by a fit of wisdom"! so going to be stealing that line in response to any sass i receive from younger relatives. 

recently, i've been thinking about the future that we are in now and how it both helps and hurts me.  as a huge and happy nerd with loner/introverted tendencies which i slowly kind of normalized once in college with other nerds and who were socially adept and i could learn from, the interwebz and mobile communication devices have made my life easier.  the world has gotten smaller and easier to maintain connections with people with little effort, friends and celebrities' tweets and ideas and recipes and emails and texts all at the tips of my fingers.  all that! free and for the taking.  i can maintain distant friendships, spontaneously get together with folks, and connect with people over issues and thoughts that may never have come up in a normal conversation but resonate with me somehow as i read blogs or tumblrs or whatever.

but. there's always a but.

i don't ever really ever have to talk face to face or voice to voice with people anymore. and as a person who naturally is a touch more comfortable hiding from people rather than engaging from people it makes this world both wonderfully easy and probably rather unhelpful for me.  in college being around other people all the time helped to pull me out of my own inner weirdness.  the thing with this digital age though i can tell there are boundaries i don't have and need to set (hello, i'm blogging at this late hour) culturally, this is the norm.  the best thing about working at this new firm is not having a blackberry.  when i come home, i come home.  but it took me a couple weeks not to come home and check, just in case.  that's problematic, right? or smartphones, don't get me started on my rant about what is now considered acceptable smartphone behavior.  (i gave a cousin a lecture for using his phone at the table when we were gathered to eat, and i hate it when i'm chilling with friends and everyone pulls out their smartphone... though with the ipod touch i found myself doing the same things. so, rude of me). i was listening to this program on the autism spectrum and how sometimes you'll see certain characteristics reflected in nonautistic individuals -- and they used as an example a talk given to a group of engineers who were in the room with the speaker but all fired up and "attended" the seminar via the webstream.  the program used that as an example of how we can accommodate different individuals' needs. but, i heard that and thought yes, i sympathize but don't we have to learn how to operate as social individuals as well?

i'm beginning to ramble, but basically, i've been thinking about all the areas that i may be allowing to remain weak because this brave new world lets me.

recently, i find myself in traffic. a lot. and i find that it's provided me with many moments of meditation though i also find myself pretty melancholy as i listen to the news.  i should switch to something frothy and lovely.

recently, i find myself really obsessed with tomatoes. the heirlooms are big and sweet and complex. it's probably 60% of why i love california.

recently, i swam in the ocean for the first time in years.  i cannot boogie board to save my life.

the ocean always makes me breathe a little deeper and a little slower. 

Dear Writing Skills,

Where did you go? I used to have the ability to bang out a brief or a research memo that was clear and fairly well organized.  Now it seems all that flows from the keyboard is gibberish.  If I've neglected you or made you feel like you had to leave, I'm sorry!  I'll try to bring back the spark.  Please, don't leave alone to flounder as I try to argue a point.

Incoherently,

Gus

Man. I've been meaning to write this post since forever and a day ago. 

The big news is that I found a job.  Or rather, the job found me.

And since then it's been messy rooms, early mornings, and buying business casual clothing.

The past few weeks have been a strange, fast, turn of events that have underscored how blessed I am and a testament to God's graciousness in my life.

Turning down the ideal job for my 20 year old self was an interesting exercise for me.  I really struggled with the fact that on paper it seemed to meet all my needs and yet after much prayer and ruminating I realized that accepting would be me yet again grasping onto a solution that focused on securing the 'future' without actually moving forward.

So I turned it down.

And I ... doubted myself and looked at my dwindling savings account and I wondered.  Did I do the right thing?  What if I have to go back to law?  Oh Lord, please keep me from the law.  I quit with the intention of never going back.  And I meant it, even if I had to waitress or be a store clerk, I was going to stop myself from going to law.  But law kind of spectacularly over and under qualifies you for most jobs in this world.  

I mean I knew I'd be okay, but I'd rather be okay without moving back home and being dependent on my parents again.  So, I waited and prayed and hoped I'd find a job before my apartment lease was up so that I wouldn't have to think of a reason to stay in L.A. (I love my parents but we have a much better relationship with a little distance). 

But the strange thing was I had gone through all this soul wrestling and realized ultimately I still didn't know what I wanted to work towards in my life.  I've lived my life chasing after the phantom of securing my future self's comfort and safety that I ... didn't know how to live in freedom now.  And honestly, I had been happy as a pig in slop in my nine months of unemployment.  Seriously.  I never got bored. I felt refreshed and happy and free.  I wasn't exactly eager to find a job. 

I knew I needed a job though and about the time I resolved to consider the law again (temporarily, if possible) a friend's firm had put out the word regarding the need for contract positions.  That was about a month ago.  A week or two later I found myself with a job at a firm that is pretty much the opposite of type of place I had been at before.

In many ways, I was disappointed that all that soul struggle and giving up on the dreams of fully funded 401ks and retirement accounts ended up with me back in law.  But it's so different to go in knowing that they don't own me or my identity or my future.  Plus, bonus, the people are great and the friend who paved the way for me has been a wonderful anchor for my navigating of these new office waters. (hi, friend!)

Though I had been hoping and praying that I would be free of law forever and a bit disappointed that I ended up what seemed to be right back where I started, I'm finding that I begin to be healed of my cynicism of the law.  I still don't love what I do.  In many ways it goes against my natural personality and strengths, but with this new position I was lucky enough to defend people I believed in and really needed me.  I felt protective of them and found myself doing battle against powers that I felt were wrong and I felt how blessed I am to find my legal experience begin to be redeemed.  If nothing else, I'll be grateful to this position for reminding why I went into law in the first place.

I may not be here for the long haul, but for this season I find myself happily working in law (it probably helps that the job as discussed would have a hard stop at 35-40 hours a week, a normal work week for most but pretty light for a lawyer).

Anyways, this has meant that I've returned to the daily commute, squeezing in errands and personal responsibilities between working hours and fun, losing sleep, trying not to be too awkward during office small talk, and a return to slightly uncomfortable shoes. And I find myself beginning to feel myself recovering from the world of law while still in the law.

Trust me, no one is more surprised than I. 

Truly, He works in mysterious ways.

I made the mistake of drinking milk tea late in the day today and now I'm up at 3:05 am. There goes my ambition of normalizing my schedule. 

In unrelated news, I turned down a possible job that in many ways seemed perfectly timed and perfect for my needs. There's a part of me that intensely regrets giving this offer up.  It's the type of job that the 20 year old me would have been mad at my present self for giving up.  It's also something that would be so easy for me to accept.  And yet.  And yet.  I had to say no for now because as much as I prayed and considered it, all I could see was saying yes would be just me taking the easy way out again (though to most people I think it would be the harder option).  So. I still sail adrift. But, there's a part of me that is pretty happy to know that I'm no longer taking the path that meets my immediate needs by the path of least resistance. Next step find a job -- get started on that hard path.

Separately. I'm finding WNYC's Radiolab show to be utterly delightful.